WINNER!!!

Today I went to Costco with Mandy.

It reminded me of all the times we carried groceries in for Rin-Dizzle.

Rin-Dizzle had to shop for her 6 kids, all their friends, her 13 day care kids, church members, and anyone else that may come into her heart. Grocery shopping was no joke.

While she went shopping - we would stay home and "do our chores". It gave us a little independence and I'm sure it gave Rin-Dizzle a much needed break.

I remember, every time she came home, my brothers would make a contest. 

Whoever could carry in the most groceries at once - WINS!!!

I have T-Rex arms. 

You would think me NOT a competitor.

I tell you what - I learned how to stack those grocery bags on my arms, carry multiple jugs of milk in each hand, and still have the strength and talent to bring more groceries in UNDER my arms.

I averaged 8 bags of groceries PER arm. That's not counting the bags I held in my hands and the jugs of milk as well. Not bragging - just telling you how amazing I am.

I WAS THE ULTIMATE WINNER!!!

I was UNSTOPPABLE - UNBEATABLE - UNAWARE that I was being played the fool. :(

All those years I thought I was WINNING...I actually lost... 

*sniff*

Well played, brothers....well played.

Just you wait. 

One day, Jesus is going to need help in with the groceries for heaven and guess who will be his number one pick?

BROWN SUGAR <3

Paper routes...

Saturday night we celebrated my niece's 8th birthday.

We met up at sushi dinner and then headed to Wal*Mart (don't judge me) to pick up some last minute items and to give her an opportunity to spend some of her birthday money.

While we are standing in line - she keeps mentioning that she still has $2 left.

Anyone, who's ANYONE (aka loves 80's movies and John Cusack), that hears ANYTHING about $2 knows exactly where my heart is.

ME: "I want my two dollars...I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!!!"

Bella stares at me like I'm a weirdo.

ME: "When we were growing up - there was this awesome movie where this kid has a paper route and wants to get paid his $2. BUT, the people just ignore him and so he starts showing up in all these random places with his bike - to collect his $2. And that's what he says, 'I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!!!'"

Bella stares at me like I'm a weirdo.

ME: "...Do you know what a paper route is?"

BELLA: "No."

ME (my heart dropping): "Do you know what a newspaper is?"

Bella stares at me like I'm a weirdo.

Random Wal*Mart cashier: "Wow. You really dated yourself."

ME: politely laughing but staring at the cashier like I don't care about going to jail for beating her up...ha!

HOW SAD!

I remember staying up at night - rolling newspapers for my brother's route in the morning. Helping him load the cool, double sided bag that he wore, while riding his bike - to deliver the news to our neighborhood. I liked the feeling of satisfaction as I washed off the black ink on my hands - from the little work I was able to do.

Sometimes, it'd be too cold for him to ride his bike and we'd wake up early to ride along in the car while Rin-Dizzle drove him. I always wanted to be able to throw newspapers as well as my brother. He almost always made it to their porch.

Kids will miss that.

Technology is awesome and I'm glad that we keep making such advancements for communication (hello? I'm blogging). I just wish there were ways to keep everything good about growing up as a kid - and still have kids of today enjoy being tech savvy.

I see memes all the time about growing up in the 80's or 90's (sometimes the 50's if you're reading Rin-Dizzle's posts). They bring nostalgia and pride. Growing up was tough at times, but I enjoyed it.

Tonight was one of the many moments my heart ached for our future generations. I want them to enjoy their childhoods as much as we did.

They'll miss dialing a phone to see who has a crush on them or who wants to meet at the mall.

They'll miss their chance to beat my high score on Number Munchers (Prime Numbers Queen right here!!!).

They'll miss the feeling of wind in their hair as they cruise down the cul-de-sac on their Big Wheel.

They'll miss how creepy My Buddy and Kid Sister were - but you didn't care and still wanted one to twirl around with outside - while you sang the commercial jingle.

They'll miss out on saving friends on Pound Puppies.

They'll miss finding new homes for Cabbage Patch Kids...or hiding their Garbage Pail Kids cards/stickers from their mom.

They'll miss how scary Teddy Ruxpin sounds when he's low on batteries.

They'll miss getting their cardio in on their Pogo Ball.

They'll also miss having a crush on John Cusack....that's truly heart breaking.

My nieces and nephews can look at me like I'm a weirdo all they want. 

They need our memories (happy and sad) to bridge the gap between their generations and ours. 

History repeats itself and  a lot of the fads are coming back - but it's different the second time around. The kids don't know the recess time, sleepover talks, or awkward teen moments behind them all.

But, they will. Oh, yes - they will.

One long store line at time - they will. ;)

If you have time... 

My Santa Claus...

I LOVE HOLIDAYS AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!!

Having Rin-Dizzle as a mom - it makes sense. Every day with her is awesome - but holidays...holidays are something special. :)

Today - I was reminded of a pivotal Christmas in my life.

I spilled my drink today in the car on the way to work. A quart size Mason jar - spilled into my seat - almost half of the jar - before I realized it. 

It soaked through my purse and I had to transfer everything into a plastic bag. Classy - I know.

When I get to work, I have a habit of unloading EVERYTHING out of my purse -  onto my desk and working around it for the first part of the morning.

I straighten papers, try to minimize the cards in my wallet, stack items...you know - ADHD.

Today - while I was looking through my items -  I found my Valentine's Day card from Rin-Dizzle. <3

I flashed back to the Christmas of 4th grade.

I was on the fence about Santa Claus. 

Everyone was in a rush to grow up and refuse to believe in magic. 

It didn't matter to me that it wasn't physically possible to travel to all the children in the world in one night.

He's MAGIC.

Reindeer can't fly?  MAGIC.

People don't live in the North Pole? Santa isn't a people...he's MAGIC.

Trying to explain things to me logically - usually doesn't work. I operate on how I feel.

I remember asking my mom if Santa was real.

Rin-Dizzle explained Santa to me in the only way she could - magically. 

"Santa Claus is so much more than just a happy man that delivers presents. He embodies generosity and the spirit of Christmas. Giving to others with no expectation of receiving is how we should all be - throughout the entire year."

That was good enough for me. 

I would watch (and try to help) Rin-Dizzle make treats for our neighbors and friends for Christmas. 

She always had such great ideas and I loved watching her write her notes to everyone. She has beautiful cursive with fancy letters that look like they have pillows for backs. I've always tried to write like her (especially when forging notes to school - ha!), but could never achieve it.

One night, my siblings and I wrote our letters to Santa. We folded them as best as we could - stuffed them into envelopes, and sent them on their way to the North Pole.

A couple of nights later, Rin-Dizzle instructed me to get the mail she had "forgotten" to grab earlier in the day.

I didn't even catch on. I just wandered out to the mailbox, grabbed the mail and started walking back to the house.

I noticed a red envelope with the beginning letters of my name and I started to FREAK  OUT!!!

SSSAAANNNTTTAAAA...wait.

Was the evening sky playing tricks with my eyes?

I stopped, separated my letter from the mail pile, and looked at it again.

Yes - that was my name.

I squeezed my eyes shut - and opened them again.

Still my name.

But...why did Santa and Rin-Dizzle have the EXACT. SAME. HANDWRITING?!

My 9 year old world stopped.

Santa isn't magic. Reindeer don't fly. I just wrote a letter to my PARENTS?!

I wanted to march into the house and DEMAND an explanation from Rin-Dizzle.

How could you?! How could you make me believe in a man who loves children and gives them presents?! How could you make me believe that everyone in the world could be loved equally?! How could you let me believe in magical animals, and elves, and glitter, and happiness in the wastelands of the North Pole?!

HOW COULD YOU?!

But, I remembered what Rin-Dizzle had said. She'd told me that the man, Santa Claus, was so much more than my 9 year old brain could understand. Santa Claus was something I could feel.

I sucked it up that day and became a little bit more mature that night.

I didn't want to ruin Ladybug's Christmas. I didn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas. In fact, knowing the truth about Santa didn't ruin MY Christmas. 

It helped me feel Christmas. <3

And every time I see my mom's handwriting - that's what I remember.

Homeless...

Today - I went to the post office to buy a PO Box.

I'm no longer "living" anywhere - but I need a place to grab my mail (when I remember to). 

I walked in, they handed me the application with instructions, and I filled it out completely.

One of the requirements of having a PO Box - is having a permanent address.

I don't have a permanent address. 

I called Rin-Dizzle and asked if I could use hers = problem solved.

I take my application to the postal worker and they ask if I have anything that matches my Driver's License ID.

No. I don't. That ID was issued over 5 years ago - and no one lives at that address anymore that I know.

I am then told that I cannot have a PO Box because I don't have an address to tie it to.

And it hit me:

I don't have an address.

So I asked politely: 

"What do you for people who are homeless? How can I get my mail?"

The post office went silent. 

I think out of pity, the postal worker advised me to have my mail marked "General Delivery". 

It's where your mail is delivered to the post office - and you pick it up from them.

I felt bad about that. Why must my mail be delivered to a holding spot - when I have the money to pay for a PO Box? I feel bad - having a post office hold my mail because I don't have a place to stay.

Sure - the clothes I wear on a regular basis are in a suitcase in the back of my car.

Sure - all of my belongings (minus my kitchen table in Logan, UT) are in a storage unit close to my work.

But, I have places to stay. 

Right now it's Mandy's house. <3

Sometimes it's with Rin-Dizzle and Big Ray. Last night it was with my sister, Sunny.

It's not a "traditional" way to live. It's not what society has mapped out for girls about to turn 35 years old.

It's at those moments - that I feel homeless. And that's completely wrong.  I'm the exact opposite, in fact. Mandy and I decided I am, "Polyhale" (paul-ee-haul-ay) = multiple home dweller girl thing. :)

I definitely don't fit in the "traditional" molds or applications. My map has been folded up, cut, glued, lost, and taped -  into a map that only my psyche could handle and understand.

I'm excited for the changes to come. Whether they be delivered to the Kaysville post office - or to the couch I find myself blessed to crash on.

Some could see me as irresponsible - afraid of commitment - or even running away from my problems.

I'm probably all of that...and so much more.

It was wrong of me to refer to myself as homeless. It was insensitive.

Yet, I am glad that it was jarring enough for me to reevaluate my situation and again, be reminded of how great my life really is....PO Box or not.
 
 

My 6th Birthday

In my early years of childhood - gender wasn't the most clear me.

My mother always had me in fluffy dresses with tights and shiny, black shoes.

My hair was always fixed in cute pigtails and I was always matching my sister.

But, I came home with scuffed up shoes. My tights - torn and bloody from playing football.

My hair was always a mess with my constant mud pie making.

Of course, being five years old had some influence, but I loved being with the boys.

Rough housing with my brothers, cruising on my big wheel with Ryan Cardon (so dreamy), and being a "boy" is what I thought I was.

Somehow, I convinced myself that when I turned 6 years old - I would turn into a boy.

I didn't quite work out how it would happen - but I've always been a fan of magic, so I assumed it would be. I'd wake up in the morning and BAM! Brown Sugar's a boy.

I'm sure that I thought having a penis would be part of it. It made sense to me - because everything I enjoyed and took part of - were "boy" activities. SO, all I needed was the correct plumbing.
------------------------------------------
My birthday party was great. 

All the neighborhood boys were there. My best friend at the time, Nicole Sanders, was one of the few girls invited. She was older than me by a few months, and hadn't turned into a boy - but it's because she liked "girl" things.

I opened up her present to me and it was satin - GIRL - underwear! THE HECK?!

I gave her a devastated look - not because I had just opened up underwear in front of ALL my friends (although, that was pretty embarrassing as well), but because after tonight - I COULDN'T WEAR GIRL UNDERWEAR!

She KNEW that!!! WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!

We got past that. 

We finished celebrating my 6th birthday in all its glory and went to bed. 

As we lay in our sleeping bags - staring at the sparkly asbestos ceilings outside my parent's room - Nicole turned to me and asked, 

"Are you scared?"

Me (with my hands behind my head - staring at the ceiling),

"No."

*a few minutes of silence*

Nicole (with a deep breath for courage),

"Will you still be my friend?"

Me (slowly turning to look her in the eyes),

"I don't know..."

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I can't remember the next morning. I'm sure it was awkward. 

Thank goodness Nicole was okay with being friends with a girl that was supposed to turn into a boy, but didn't.

I don't think it was sad for me - possibly confusing and a bit disheartening because magic hadn't come through like it was supposed to.

I was still a tomboy - I held my own with the boys. Still do.

And I'll admit - stepping into femininity was difficult. I still see myself as more masculine because of my body type and interests. But, I also love being a woman.

I'm so glad that my quirky 5 year old self - was able to accept the 6 year old that she became. 

I think that's helped me get through a lot in my life. I have a lot of expectations and even far fetched ideas of what I am supposed to be in the morning. Yet, when those expectations don't happen - the "magic" doesn't come through - I'm still okay with the Brown Sugar that I am.

And I plan for the next adventure. :)