My 6th Birthday

In my early years of childhood - gender wasn't the most clear me.

My mother always had me in fluffy dresses with tights and shiny, black shoes.

My hair was always fixed in cute pigtails and I was always matching my sister.

But, I came home with scuffed up shoes. My tights - torn and bloody from playing football.

My hair was always a mess with my constant mud pie making.

Of course, being five years old had some influence, but I loved being with the boys.

Rough housing with my brothers, cruising on my big wheel with Ryan Cardon (so dreamy), and being a "boy" is what I thought I was.

Somehow, I convinced myself that when I turned 6 years old - I would turn into a boy.

I didn't quite work out how it would happen - but I've always been a fan of magic, so I assumed it would be. I'd wake up in the morning and BAM! Brown Sugar's a boy.

I'm sure that I thought having a penis would be part of it. It made sense to me - because everything I enjoyed and took part of - were "boy" activities. SO, all I needed was the correct plumbing.
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My birthday party was great. 

All the neighborhood boys were there. My best friend at the time, Nicole Sanders, was one of the few girls invited. She was older than me by a few months, and hadn't turned into a boy - but it's because she liked "girl" things.

I opened up her present to me and it was satin - GIRL - underwear! THE HECK?!

I gave her a devastated look - not because I had just opened up underwear in front of ALL my friends (although, that was pretty embarrassing as well), but because after tonight - I COULDN'T WEAR GIRL UNDERWEAR!

She KNEW that!!! WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!

We got past that. 

We finished celebrating my 6th birthday in all its glory and went to bed. 

As we lay in our sleeping bags - staring at the sparkly asbestos ceilings outside my parent's room - Nicole turned to me and asked, 

"Are you scared?"

Me (with my hands behind my head - staring at the ceiling),

"No."

*a few minutes of silence*

Nicole (with a deep breath for courage),

"Will you still be my friend?"

Me (slowly turning to look her in the eyes),

"I don't know..."

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I can't remember the next morning. I'm sure it was awkward. 

Thank goodness Nicole was okay with being friends with a girl that was supposed to turn into a boy, but didn't.

I don't think it was sad for me - possibly confusing and a bit disheartening because magic hadn't come through like it was supposed to.

I was still a tomboy - I held my own with the boys. Still do.

And I'll admit - stepping into femininity was difficult. I still see myself as more masculine because of my body type and interests. But, I also love being a woman.

I'm so glad that my quirky 5 year old self - was able to accept the 6 year old that she became. 

I think that's helped me get through a lot in my life. I have a lot of expectations and even far fetched ideas of what I am supposed to be in the morning. Yet, when those expectations don't happen - the "magic" doesn't come through - I'm still okay with the Brown Sugar that I am.

And I plan for the next adventure. :)