The Best. Cookie. EVER.

The Best Cookie: An Essay

by Brandon Fessler

A mistake. We’ve all made them at one point or another in our lives. And some of which have resulted in consequences (good or bad) far more significant than others. But it’s easy to see why the invention of the cookie could rank as one of the best mistakes ever made. Yes, the cookie’s existence is rooted in an accident. Dutch cooks would use a small dollop of cake batter to test the temperature of the oven prior to baking a cake. At some point, these little cakes grew in popularity and earned a name: The Cookie.

You’re probably wondering why I’m even writing an essay about which cookie is the best. It actually began with a small argument (one of many) myself and a couple of co-workers (Jonny Hislop and Analee Christensen) were having about which cookies are better. In my humble opinion which I defended quite voraciously, the Chocolate Chip Cookie is the best. With equal fortitude yet lacking the strong elements of proof, my co-worker Jonny Hislop defended the claim that the Sugar Cookie, in all its simpleton-nature, was the best cookie. This is why I present this essay: Because I unequivocally say, “Nay!” to that assumption about the sugar cookie or any other which bears those 6 letters.

Although our debate focused primarily on homemade cookies…personally, I don’t think it really matters if they are homemade or manufactured. A cookie is a cookie is a cookie. Show me someone who thinks an Oreo is better than a homemade chocolate chip cookie and I’ll show you an idiot. You might also be wondering: Why would someone want to waste time debating and writing about which cookie is the best? To that question I reply: “It’s not about writing on the cookie as much as it is about me being right.” But if that answer doesn’t suffice, I’ll begin this essay with poetry. In some weird way, I guess it now makes this more of an art piece than an essay and how dare one criticize the inner expression of one’s soul, especially mine.

Let me begin with a few Haiku about the Chocolate chip cookie. The Haiku, in my opinion, is one of the more pure forms of poetry. To quote the great cookie connoisseur, Cookie Monster: “Me love poetry….and cookies!” With no further delay, may I attempt to mingle those two loves of a blue monster into verse he'd hopefully appreciate…

Chocolate, so smooth.

Mixed with sugar, flour, love.

The Perfect Cookie.

One chip. Two chip. Three!

Morsels tucked away and snug.

Essence of Cookie.

The Sugar, no match.

Cocoa Chip…second to none!

It is my Hero.

The Evidence

Just in case those Haiku weren’t enough to persuade you on the perfectness of the Chocolate chip cookie, I provide…without bias or subjectivity, without wearing chocolate-chip-cookie-goggles as I write…some valid evidence, I shall call them “Truth Crumbs”, as to why the Chocolate Chip cookie rules supreme. You can google “America’s favorite homemade cookie” and get some really good results. Let me preface this with the fact that I didn’t hand select these pages or articles. These are merely the results of what google deems as “the best” answer which will provide a satisfactory result in a user’s search request. So let’s go to…

Exhibit A: The Brown Eyed Baker

What say ye, Brown Eyed Baker about the best homemade cookie? Let’s look at her Top 10: She has Chocolate Chip as the #1 cookie; calls this cookie, “The classic favorite…absolutely incredible.” Just want to point out she has the Sugar cookie as the 6th best cookie in her ranking, which I think is a little high…however…she has it down there with the ginger cookie so the sugar is in good company.

Exhibit B: About.com.

About.com goes as far as to say the Chocolate chip cookie is…“The All-Time Cookie…” It’s go big or go home for About.com with that claim. A little over the top? Perhaps. But I still love what About says regarding this amazing treat: ”Just mention Chocolate Chip Cookies and the mouth starts watering. Everyone seems to love these cookies.” Let us compare that analysis to the juvenile footnote of its counterpart: “Sugar Cookies are….a necessity when you have a school-aged child.” You know what I say to that? Stay in school Sugar cookies. Chocolate Chip…welcome to the big Leagues!”

Exhibit C: Carolyn Wyman, Renowned Food Author

I’m about real people. Not just some blogger-type who can hide behind their brand and spout out whatever they want. Not saying this is happening with the first two pieces of evidence, but…why not find out what Carolyn Wyman thinks? Not only is the Chocolate Chip her favorite cookie, but she’s actually written an entire book about this delicate, yet robust morsel. A book!?! You know why they don’t write books about Sugar cookies? Because books need to be longer than a couple of sentences and there’s not much to say about sugar, water, and flour. But I digress…The article makes the claim that “Chocolate-chip cookies, she points out, account for more than half of all home-baked cookies.” Half?!?!? There’s an estimated 2 billion cookies consumed per year by Americans, roughly 300 cookies per year per person. Now…that’s 2 billion total but needless to say if those are homemade or manufactured, one has to assume a good portion of those are chocolate chip.

I’m sensing a trend here… Whoa….what’s that? Did someone say “Trends”? Why not let google, “The Great Settler of Debates” “The Objective Bystander of Cookie Judgement”, chime in this debate?

Exhibit C: Google Trends

I ran a quick keyword trend analysis on our two competitors: The Chocolate Chip cookie VS the Sugar cookie. Using keyword queries as the benchmark for awesomeness…we can see who the real winner is…

https://www.google.com/trends/explore#q=%2Fm%2F0k5sl%2C%20%2Fm%2F05j9kt&date=today%2012-m&cmpt=q&tz=

Granted, there is that one month of the year that Sugar cookies’ interest spikes. And that holiday is Christmas. You have to wonder why? Is it because in the interest of time and simplicity…the chef opts in for Sugar Cookies because let’s be honest…anyone can bake a sugar cookie? Personally, I think it spikes because a bunch of amateur-bakers want to make something cheap and easy for neighbors and decide, “I want to bake something I can’t screw up. Something that doesn’t set the bar too high.” Which is kind of funny and reminds me of one Christmas when someone in the neighborhood gave us a small bag of tootsie rolls. Now, while I reflect on that moment…I’m pretty sure I’d prefer tootsie rolls over a sugar cookie.   

Exhibit D: Our Co-worker, Bracken’s Wife’s Cookies

…which happen to be Chocolate Chip Cookies. I wouldn’t necessarily say Lindsay’s delicious cookies are the only evidence for how awesome the Chocolate Chip cookie is…because her recipe is quite good. No…not only the cookie in this instance more so than my other co-worker’s (Jonny) reaction every time Bracken brings them in. Yes, the same Jonny who believes the Sugar cookie is the best cookie ever. There have even been instances where our Defender-Of-The-Sugar-Cookie has eaten half the plate of Lindsay’s chocolate chip cookies only after he has made every attempt to discourage others to have one for their own self. Irony? Nay, not irony, but a deep seeded passion for chocolate chip cookies. A passion so deep it would cause a man to do and say crazy things such as, “Sugar cookies are the best cookies.”

Exhibit E: A Random Facebook Poll

Initially, I was hesitant about doing a facebook poll on which cookie is the best. The facebook community is a different beast altogether so I was wary and hesitant about this eclectic community’s opinion on such important matters as this one is; however…there was an overwhelming response with this poll. Within the first hour or so, there were over 50 responses (I have to thank Analee for sharing this poll with her plethora web of friends on facebook…well over 1,000 peeps) and when I closed the poll 24 hours later, it ended with over 170 total responses (we’ll keep the Cookie Poll on going for any further data-collection).

The results of the data were as expected, especially when considering the aforementioned evidences of prodigious proof that the Chocolate Chip cookie is indeed the best cookie. Of the 170+ respondents, 84 (48.8%) voted Chocolate Chip (1) as the best; after that (2) The Snickerdoodle hit 24 (14%) votes; Oatmeal Raisin (3) brought in 17 (9.9%) votes; the No Bake Cookie (4) yielded 14 votes (8.1%); and finally…tied for 4th place…is the ordinary Sugar Cookie (4) with 14 votes (8.1%).  

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, heck…it doesn’t take a data scientist, to figure out what the best cookie in the world is. The oven-timer is buzzing on this essay so I want to leave you with a few parting words not from my mouth, but from the mouths of luminaries in the field of cookies…

Debbi Fields, who is all things Cookies, founder of Mrs. Fields, and who also happens to be a member of the Entrepreneur Hall of Fame expressed her love for this delectable treat: “Number one, I absolutely love making chocolate chip cookies. I mean, it’s fun. It’s exciting. Beyond the fact that I love making them, I love eating them.”

Joyce Meyer, best-selling author, went so far as to say it takes the Holy Ghost to stop her from eating chocolate chip cookies! She says, “I tell you what when I see chocolate chip cookies I can’t just eat one. I’ve got to eat a dozen. I don’t have any self-control. Well, come on! You’re just talking yourself right into the pit!

Cookie Monster, who one very rarely ever sees eating anything other than a chocolate chip cookie, once said, “Chocolate chip cookie important to me…it mean whole lot to me…om nom nom nom.” How can one argue with, “Nom…nom…nom”?

So now it’s time for me to drop the mic, but only because after all this research, time, and energy I’m ready to pick up the spatula and make my favorite, the best, all-time greatest, the one and only, impossible to deny…Chocolate Chip Cookie.